वो चंद लिफ़ाफ़े

वो चंद लिफ़ाफ़े

वो चंद लिफाफों में आज भी मोहब्बत क़ैद हैं मेरी,

धडकनें आज़ाद न हो जाएँ, ख़त खोलने से डर लगता है

जिन मासूम खतों में, बाबस्ता झूठ लिखा था तूने,

उस झूठ को भी आज-कल, झूठ बोलने से डर लगता है.

धडकनें आज़ाद न हो जाएँ, ख़त खोलने से डर लगता है

मेरी मायूस सूरत देखकर वो भी मायूस हो जाया करती हैं,

तेरे ख़त भी इन दिनों, तुझसे ज्यादा मेरी क़दर किया करती हैं,

ज़माना जानता है मेरे दिल में क्या है,

मगर उस इश्क को, इश्क बोलने से डर लगता है.

धडकनें आज़ाद न हो जाएँ, ख़त खोलने से डर लगता है

हाँ... दिल को तसल्ली देने के लिए,

“यही सही था” बोल दिया करता हूँ कभी,

याद तेरी आती है तो दो कदम रुक जाया करता हूँ तभी...

सुना था के तीस के बाद तकमील आ जाया करती है

मगर इस कम-ज़र्फ़ दिल को हर बार टटोलने से डर लगता है....

वो चंद लिफाफों में आज भी मोहब्बत क़ैद हैं मेरी,

धडकनें आज़ाद न हो जाएँ, ख़त खोलने से डर लगता है

“We are a delightful match”

What a marvelous feeling it would be, if we could say exactly how we felt.

What a monumental victory it could be, what a terrifying thought

The same is happening with me from last few days, my mind is struck between the good and the bad, the right and the wrong, the blue and the red, the pure and the adulterated, the peace and the agony.

Last 3 days treats me as bad as it’s like 3 ages, I realized how much I love you, I am not denying that I never expressed my love for you before. I did and you know it very well, but there is a thing about love I discovered in last these days which people don’t understand is “It shapes you in its absence too” and it shaped me well.

We are human, and we have a tendency to modify our thoughts which best fits to our circumstances, we all talk sacrifices, honesty, bravery and truthfulness when it comes easy. We serve our goodness in the least challenging situation and like you and me, we all are selfish in our respected way, we often show our deepest love when we see it sliding away from our hands. But believe you me; it’s the truest form of realization.

Babu, i will always regret for the bad words I said to you, intentionally or unintentionally doesn’t matter. But the thing which really matters is, in the moment of immense grief we abandon hope, and that is how the light never returned to us. I want you to understand my grief along with yours. I am not coming to you with an idea of love that only brings you joy, my kind of love will bring you contentment, the sense of completeness.

Cookie, I would rather not choose a love story where I need to make continuous effort to make you stay with me against your wish, by manipulating your thoughts every time, I don’t want you to change yourself in order to love me. Darling; find yourself in me and if you do not see yourself, recreate yourself, but first, please find yourself.

I want our love to be effortless like it was from last one year. We dreamt of having a family together with Sherlock and Hridoy and Spandan. We spent countless moment to cherish each other, pampering each other, loving is such a small word for the kind of love we share, you loved me like my angels do and so do i.

I understand we have some differences which can’t be ignored, and you fear they may come in the way of your success, which is quiet a genuine fear I agree, but babu, success without each other also will mean nothing. Be with me, hold my hand, and trust on me, I promise whenever & wherever it comes to sacrifice I will come before you, even if it’s the choice of age you want to get married. I promise I will love you more than anyone could do; my love will grow more and more throughout our life. My love will grow in equal proportion even if you choose not to be with me, or to be with anyone else of your choice, as long as you are happy I will find myself happier.

My heart weeps every time I think of the day I said those bad words to you, and the sad thing is i cannot change it by going back to the past but babu, if we drift apart those words will haunt me throughout my life. When the night comes to break my heart, I always think of you, how I can forget the love of the lady who rescued me from a life threatening dumpster. The tragedy of every love story is in its ending, the blessing everything else. And we are indeed a blessing to each other.

Love, take whatever time you to want to take, introspect retrospect do whatever pleases you, but don’t lose hope before losing me, I repeat we are indeed a blessing to each other. My lonely will always look for your lonely. I know you very well Love. You are not so cruel what you are trying to pretend,

I know how much you dislike sid for not being with you the time you need him the most, and the hardship you faced in his absence, and I know you are the person of your principles, you cannot hurt me that badly. Dear, we cannot run from ourselves, we can only protect ourselves from turning into people we swore we would never become.

Marrying you is not my dream, to be with you is. You know, you are not an ordinary girl, you are magical, I see infinite possibilities in you, and you are a perfect mix of maturity and madness. we compliment each other, It always strengthens me to know I am the inspiration of such a delightful girl, and trust me over the year I have made you my inspiration. Babu, don’t take my inspiration away from me. I won’t be able to pursue my work without my inspiration. Sometimes we doubt more than trust, disagree more than agree, more tomorrow than today, and worst of all – more who we let go than who we let stay. That’s the problem. Trust me, i promise you will achieve more with me than you think you do without me

please stay, Be mine, and I know

“We were never a match; but always a marvellous misfit”

And I am sure someday our story will inspire millions of people

I LOVE YOU MORE

“DELAYED REALISATION”

I started writing this piece of shit with a blank mind. Blank mind!!! And an angry mind, angry blank mind. No, not blank mind, I mean I started writing this with too many things in my mind. But with a feeling of blankness. It is the right word I believe, Yeah may be because I cannot decide where to start writing this from. But I have to write because it’s the best way to convey my thoughts to you

The way you speak, the way you better understand, the way you belong to. And I only feel I am connect to you is by following the route of writing my feelings down.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU DID TO ME?

What do you think of yourself? Who the hell are you to do this to me? You are nobody. You hear me right…!!! You are NO-BO-DY.

I cannot allow any fucking person like you to just come to my life and have the permission to hurt me repeatedly like hell, break my belief, disrespect me this much, and behave as cold as nothing happened. Why? Why the hell you think you can do this? And why I didn’t know that you can actually do this. Why this feeling came to me as a surprise?

I was not prepared you know. Cannot you give me a 10 days’ notice in advance before doing this to me. I have always been nice to you; you were expected to be the same to me. See, this is beyond my sanity to forgive you for this. I can’t, I really cannot.

You know, what I have planned was different, and way more beautiful than this. I am sure you would have liked my idea. But that idea never turned to a reality. And you are responsible for this. And trust me, it’s your loss.

I too have plans, they were beautiful, they were romantic, and I too imagined both of us sharing some beautiful moments together. I too wanted to make this durga puja memorable. But in a better manner ofcource. Sad, You ruined this all.

I don’t know from where it started but it spread like fire within me. I never believed I could be that jealous upon you. I never believed that too for that silly person. I never had an opinion about your ex, I hardly know him. You planted your opinion in me, and I disliked him for you. And its natural to believe you and me share the same opinion for him. And suddenly when I see you being nice to him. I felt cheated. It means whatever you portrayed him, you yourself do not believe in that. Then I thought what’s the need to potray him so bad? Was that purposely done for me? What was that purpose?

Is it a kind of joke happening to me? The first day when you were dying to meet me, calling me repeatedly to know where am i? when am i reaching? You were getting restless to make me meet your friends. That was cute. It pleased me, you being as a perfect person I imagined as my girlfriend, As any other person would imagine any girl doing this for him.

The second day, you didn’t inquired about me that was a bit strange, third day I arrived just before your performance. It brought smile on your face. And I, being the reason of that smile felt the importance of myself. All these were really sweet as I imagined before. Your planning went parallel to me. That was a wonderful feeling. And then after your performance, I heard something heart breaking although I didn’t took it so seriously, but I was hurt.

And Third day it actually happened to me. You look so comfortable with him that I actually doubt myself. You called me in the morning that you are looking so pretty and you cannot wait to be with me, and after we met I felt everything you said is volatile. All is vanished when you see your ex. It brought a thought in my mind “Am I a replacement for him”, or an element “just to make him feel jealous” That time I felt like, I am trolled, I am cheated, your love is fake, I am just a subject. I can see my plans, my dreams shattering into pieces. My feelings so little, being smashed under the foot. I thought many times, why did I met you? Why do I even know you? I have a purposeful life I do not want to end it being used by someone like you. I cannot afford to lose my days being vain in agony in a fake love story someone plotted to make her ex jealous.

You cannot imagine my level of frustration which you just ignored, From last 2 days I am thinking of different ways to punish you and none of them is working. And it made me more frustrated. You look quite comfortable without me and its bothering me like hell. You claim to love me, Is it all fake? You claim you cannot live without me was that a plot? You claim you see us to a married couple, was that an illusion? I doubt.

Day 3 when I left, I see your hands across your ex’es shoulders like a married couple, it made me realize, like real realisation that I can actual cry for you. Like really breaking into tears, and all this came as a surprise to me.

I am also a bengali, I also wait to realish Drga puja once in a year, it holds equal importance to me. It brings joy to me too, I too want to spent these days in absolute extacy.

And you, you ruin my 4 days of joy for some reason… I do not know. That’s rude. And being rude to a person you everyday claim you love. Was ruthless, merciless.

Why you did this to me? WHY YOU DID THIS TO ME??

Moreover, you made me feel like I have lost the right to complain, I felt you left me isolated the time I need you the most.

You being with your ex holds little importance in this. And you thought I am upset for that. I hope if you can understand my agony.

Day 5 I expect a concern from you, did you see me waking up at 2 pm and replying your message at once. It may make you feel good but yes I was expecting your message so that I can ignore you. I want you feel the pain of ignorance, but this didn’t worked on you and you went away saying goodnight. I didn’t slept the whole night thinking about you and in the morning I was expecting your message as I did but that too did not turned out as satisfactory topic for discussion.

Having a lot of agony and disdain I wake up, dressed up went towards the pandal hoping to see you so. I saw you and I ignored you. That was unplanned but it gave me a little joy But elevated my pain as well.

I left the place hoping to not see you again today, but the entire day I felt the lump in my throat. I couldn’t eat, neither drink. I was missing you really, wanted to see you, but I knew, if I see you comfortable with him, it may elevate my pain so it’s better not to see you at all. Its better to stay away from you. Better not to believe in this theory at all.

"But I failed."

I felt like forgetting this all, I decide not to question you; I decide to sacrifice my sanity for you. May be because I misunderstood you, May be because I am only seeing last 5 days and not last 5 months you did good for me.

I am not seeing all the time you forgive me for not being attentive towards you, you forgive me for not giving time to you, you forgive me for forgetting the things you expect me to remember, forgetting to console you when you were sad, forgetting to motivate you in the moments of doubt, you forgive me for not wishing you luck in your exams, you forgive me for not letting you know when I am back to home, and above all you forgive me for treating you an option when you treat me as a priority. 

You wake up at 5 am just to wake me up, I was so ruthless that I doubt your love for me. You sacrificed your time, your friends, your study, your sleep and many things for me and it looks so tiny to sacrifice 4 days of joy to you, please accept my sacrifice my sweetheart,

You always hear about love, what you experience stays with you throughout your life. After that sacrifice what I have got is priceless. And I couldnot get this feeling of pricelessness without this agony.

Everytime you said you love me, your voice was firm, without any doubt, and you forgive me replying “I love you too” in a weak voice, and you accepted my weak voice in equal enthusiasm.

For all these reasons, and all the other reason I did not mentioned I forgive you. And this time with no doubt, and in firm voice I want to say

I LOVE YOU TOO…………..

Although I am not thankful to you for doing torture to me but this delayed realisation Is magnificent, above all earthy compliments. I wish you never change

Still after a long letter few things are left unsaid, because I want to left them unsaid, untouched, pure, unexplained because love is understood when explored not when explained.

I Hate You

She Said Its 'C', i Said Its 'D' But Actually Its 'S'